Attention-seeking

11th May 1996, this is written back in the days when I thought being rescued was a possibility, and I was willing to risk my life to prove that I needed to be rescued. My adoptive father died, I was disbarred from attending the funeral and my adoptive mother disowned me via statutory declaration to ensure I didn’t inherit nth percent of virtually nothing. It all turned out OK (as in life is a lot better without them) but it was kind of a “dark night of the soul” period of time for me.

The joy of the morning
And the peace was shattered
She felt a yearning
For the end of her time

The joy was over
And the peace descended
She felt no emotion
With the committing of her crime

Her decisions were pointless
Be they directions at all
She felt a mood change
At the cry of a gull

Striking for freedom
And hope was abound
She felt no great welling
Of pain it was dull

In life she had wished
And desire overwhelmed
She felt unguided
Her destiny a blur

In this moment of respite
And the gods overlooked
She felt a mere wondering
At whose wrath she’d incur

If Justice exists
Then how does it touch me
Am I to redeem every error
Before there’s reward?

Am I awaiting a time
When light shines upon me
When mysteries and dreams
My attention can afford?

The question is irrelevant
She thinks with a sigh
The test is in the choice
I make in this one moment

If a decision brings me joy
Love and understanding
Then I’ll be glad of this
Brief rest from my torment

She follows the threads
Of her thoughts intertwined
And she wonders of existences
Beyond this dimension

If there are beings
Out there to rescue me
Then how upon hows
Do I get their attention?
*

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Attention-seeking

  1. People can help you but you have to do your own rescuing yourself and yes it is a “Dark Night of the Soul,” experience. There is sadness here and it comes through your poetry. I’m happy for you that you jumped over that trench and carried on with your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Poetic best is expressed when the soul is yearning! Good to look back to see how far you’ve come as well! Well done Robyn!

    Liked by 1 person

    • jamborobyn says:

      Yearning, I would have to agree. Thank you, you’ve just answered my question as to what it is about this poem that I really enjoy. Even when I was writing it I was kind of enjoying myself whilst crying my eyes out (it’s written in green texta). A long way from today.

      Like

  3. I guess you could refer to them as healing tears and even if you didn’t recognised them at the time as such, you lived in that moment and felt the relief from them. Sending you virtual hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lorraine Spencer says:

    Very profound and heartfelt Robyn. Congrats yet and thanks for sharing your inner most thoughts. Glad you are no longer crying your eyes out. Loves it.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. B.C Meurk says:

    I would enjoy seeing a reply to this from your current perspective

    Liked by 1 person

    • jamborobyn says:

      I don’t know whether there would be any point revisiting this, but I’ll check with myself and see whether anything comes out over the next few days.
      Reason I am feeling reluctant is that I had already set my direction within the poem itself, and given where I am at now, it turned out to be the right approach. ie. be in the moment, let my feelings inform my decisions, don’t hold out for universal justice or objective right and wrong – they don’t exist. The difference now is that knowledge and the crumbling of inaccurate perceptions doesn’t make me sad anymore. Instead it delights me.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Cat says:

    This is a very sad story, Robyn, but the little background info helped me understand the poem a lot better. I thought it was very potent and…. Searching? I particularly liked these parts, “Striking for freedom, And hope was abound” and “ She felt unguided, Her destiny a blur.” The one line that pretty much summed it up for me was, “The test is in the choice.” Hope you’re well 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • jamborobyn says:

      Hi Cat, I’m fine thank you 🙂 I’ve got similar themes occurring in my life right now. I can’t believe how frequently people in my life choose to try and steal from me what I would gladly give to them. The difference this time around is that it doesn’t send me into despair, it’s challenging and exhausting, but I have everything I need to ride out the storm, everything I have survived, everything I have written, everything I will write, plus I’m still smiling. Confused. But smiling.

      Like

  7. sojourner says:

    If Justice exists
    Then how does it touch me
    Am I to redeem every error
    Before there’s reward?

    Am I awaiting a time
    When light shines upon me
    When mysteries and dreams
    My attention can afford?

    […]

    She follows the threads
    Of her thoughts intertwined
    And she wonders of existences
    Beyond this dimension

    If there are beings
    Out there to rescue me
    Then how upon hows
    Do I get their attention?

    I want to tell you how this speaks to me, but I am unable. It just does!

    Liked by 1 person

    • jamborobyn says:

      Yeah, I can relate, can’t tell if it’s nature or nurture but there are times where you and I seem to be treading similar paths. What I also should have mentioned in the intro is that two days later, I was offered a job after months of rejected applications. In hindsight I discovered the process of giving up rigid ideas about how the world should work contains both loss and gain for me. What is lost was dying anyway and what is gained is what I need. Generally I can’t see that at the time, but for my situation right now, where a number of people around me are showing me their underbellies instead of their good faith, I can see exactly what’s happening. As usual, I have no idea how to navigate the terrain, but I’m OK with it. I trust myself.

      Like

      • sojourner says:

        “As usual, I have no idea how to navigate the terrain, but I’m OK with it. I trust myself.”

        I think, with emphasis on think, this is what I am coming to also. I/m beginning to trust myself, perhaps for the first time in my life.

        It seems like I have been on this journey for a thousand years. And some days I can deal with it. But every once in a while, like today, I feel as though I cannot function. Your poem really hit home, but for the life of me, I could not muster the energy to explain it.

        Maybe I’m finally learning how to be a man of few words;-)

        Yes, it does seem that we have something in common. And I believe that’s the reason why so much of your poetry really gets through to my heart and mind.

        I’m taking a few days off from the blog. I need a respite.

        Thanks for the poem and the response, Robyn!

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s